My Other Half

I often wonder when or if Ryan will realize how blessed she is to have Josh for her father.  I'm sure she will one day, even if it's well past the trying and traumatic teenage years!  As I've said before, I blog to try to record memories and feelings but also for Ryan's future.  I want her to be able to read this and learn more about who she is and who her family is.  I remember what a complete brat I was in middle school--and probably during high school as well.  I didn't fully appreciate my parents and all they did for me and cringe about it now.  I definitely didn't know or understand how much they loved me.  As much as I'd like to think Ryan will be the exact opposite of myself during her teen years, chances are she will probably go through a bratty, ungrateful, everything-revolves-around-me phase as well.  :)  Should that happen, I wanted to have a way for her to be reminded of one something she should NEVER take for granted and always be thankful for--her father.

This is an open letter to my beautiful baby girl about the one man in her life who will NEVER, EVER let her down.

Dear Ryan, 

To say your daddy is a great guy would be an understatement.  He's a wonderful guy.  He's the best guy.  The very best guy, other my own father, who I've ever known.  He came into my life at a time when I really needed him, and he swept me off my feet.  First, we were friends.  And best friends make the best relationships.  

He is tall, dark, and handsome.  I know, I know--you're gagging right about now.  :)  He's quiet, until you get to know him--and then you realize how funny he is!  He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts almost daily.  He has a heart of gold.  He loves his grandmother and family fiercely and has taken care of his cousins as if they were his own children.  He is fair and good to everyone he meets.  He has a way of looking at the positive side of things.  Your daddy always knows what to say to calm me down and make me see whatever I'm worried or upset about isn't really as big as I think it is.  He is a Christian and brought me close to God again after I'd strayed.  He is a skilled craftsman and can fix or build almost anything.  He is kind, caring, warm, and considerate of others.  I could go on and on about this amazing man.

But nothing prepared me for how I would look at him after he became your father.  Ryan Michelle, I can't put into words how it makes my heart feel when he looks at you.  He loves you more than there are stars.  From the moment you came into this world (and we were there!), you had him wrapped around your tiny little finger.  This big, strong, 6'8 man turned to putty when you came into our lives.  He gives you baths and talks to you about your day.  He reads to you and sings to you.  He lays on the ground and plays on your play mat with you.  He rocks you to sleep on his chest and explains football to you on Sunday afternoons.  He can pick out a killer outfit and finds shoes and a bow to match.  He even asked me to show him how to braid hair (and he practiced on me!) because he wants to know how to fix yours when you get older.  He cuddles in the bed with you on Saturdays to get you to go back to sleep--5:30 is REALLY early on a Saturday!  He posts pictures of you proudly on Instagram because he wants to world to see his beautiful little girl.  He switches middle of the night feedings with me every other night.  He works home improvement jobs on the side because he loves doing it, but also because he wants to provide the best possible life for you.  When he walks into the room and sees you, his whole face lights up.  He is calm and loving and is so very good to you.  He dreams about what you'll be like as you grow.  By the way, I apologize in advance for any scare tactics he may use on future potential suitors.

He was absolutely wonderful before you came along and now he is even better.  You've made him (and me) see the world in a whole new way.  Your daddy would do absolutely anything for you and to protect you.  You are so very blessed to have this wonderful, loving, supportive man in your life.  My wish for you is that one day you, too, will have a husband who loves you and cares for you and your own children the way your father does.  He will always, always be there for you.  That's something to be thankful for, baby girl.  God provided a great father for you and a wonderful husband for me and for that, we are beyond blessed.

Taking your nursery very seriously.

Cuddling on a Saturday--you were SO TINY!

Reading to you from the very beginning--we're both teachers, what did you expect?

Having fun on the play mat---you look at him like he is King of the world :)

Twin Cousin Eddie hats :)

Picked it out and dressed you himself!

The VERY FIRST time he held you in his arms--makes my heart happy

Finding The Right Words

I worry.  A lot.  I've always been a worrier and try as I may, I can't help it.  Having a child of my own just increases that x1000.  I worry when she coughs.  I worry she'll roll over in the middle of the night and end up on her stomach.  I worry there might be something wrong if she doesn't want to finish a bottle.  I worry when I'm driving with her in the car.  I worry about nicking her finger (AGAIN--sigh) when I clip her fingers.  Somehow, I find something to worry about many times throughout the day.  Most of the things I worry about are trivial and/or never happen.  But, there is one worry I have that is a legitimate concern.  One that keeps me up at night. There will come a day when Josh and I are faced with having to explain Ryan's adoption to her.  We will probably have answer very difficult questions all while choking back tears and pushing down the fear that she will wish she knew her biological mother.  Or wish she had been raised by her.  Or ask if it's okay if she can meet her.

This fear is real and this day will come.

I have often imagined how old she will be when we need to start having conversations with her about adoption or when she will start to notice her skin is a little darker in color than her mommy's or daddy's.  I wonder where we will be--at home?  At the grocery?  Church?  On the way to a play date?  I daydream about how the conversation will go.  In my selfish mind, I picture her not having the slightest interest or desire to meet or get to know her biological mother.  I know, however, that might not be the way things go.  I also know that no matter how hard it is for me or how much it may hurt my heart, Josh and I need to support any decision she may make about seeking out her biological mother.

This past week, Ryan and I were laying on her nursery floor, chatting and having a great time checking ourselves out in a mirror.  I sifted through her amazing stack of books (thanks, teacher friends!) and chose to read the book, "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born."  It is a book about adoption and told from the view point of a little girl, who asks her parents to retell the story of the night she was born and they became her mommy and daddy.  As I began to read out loud to Ryan, I was completely overcome with emotion.  I smiled, I laughed, and I cried my way through this book.  Ryan squealed and "talked" as she stared at the pictures on each page.  When my voice started to shake and I started crying, she turned her attention to me and I looked at her and told her how much I loved her.  The book is so simple and sweet, yet it captures perfectly the chaos of the moment we found we were going to be parents to the moment we got the phone call that the birth mother was in labor.  So many incredible memories flooded into my mind and as I looked into her eyes, I knew there was one thing I never, ever need to be worried about.  I never need to worry about how much Josh and I love her or if she will ever question whether she is wanted or not.

My sweet love, Ryan---you were wanted since well before you ever came into this world.  You were wanted way before I ever received a phone call from the adoption agency telling me I was going to me a mom and jumped for joy in the Panera parking lot.  You were wanted way before the night your daddy and I drove entirely too fast and made record time on our trip to Missouri to get you.  And you were wanted way before the second I held you for the first time and told you how much I loved you.  You see, Ryan, families come in all shapes and sizes.  It's not the looks part that matters--it's the love part.  That's all that matters.  Your daddy and I love you to the moon and back.  We love you more than the number of stars there are in the sky.  We love you more than the sun shines bright.  We love you more than the biggest mountain or the deepest ocean.  And every day, we love you more and more.

I don't know if these words will be the right words to say but when that day comes, I hope and pray that they are.  I pray God will guide us to say the right things and mostly, to give us the strength to support her no matter what decisions she makes in the future regarding her birth mother.  No matter how much it may hurt. :)

I would recommend this book to every adoptive family!

Loving her play gym and her daddy :)

Looking like a cute little candy cane--come on Christmas!

Waking up to this face everyday is the best gift God has ever given me.

3 month update

I've been so bad about blogging and I feel awful about it!  I promised myself I would use this as a way to record memories for Ryan.  Going back to work really threw me for a loop, and I've got to be honest--I still get sad every day.  Being a teacher is a wonderful career and I'm glad I chose it, but I would leave it all behind in a heartbeat if I could stay home every day with my love.  I hope in the next few years I can drop back to part-time, but for now, I have to figure out how to fit baby, husband, career, friends, exercise, and LIFE together and somehow make time for everyone and everything.  Every working mama out there knows this is NO easy task :)

So, without further adieu (and a week late), I give to you Ryan Michelle Lynch:  3 months.  She breaks out into grins all the time, especially at the most unexpected times like a 3:00 a.m. feeding or getting her diaper changed. My favorite smile might be when I first go into her room in the morning and she's grunting and crying but when she sees my face, the tears cease and a smile spreads across her face.  She is so alert now, staying awake for several hours in between naps.  She loves the other toddlers she spends her days with and they LOVE her.  Several of them come to tell her bye or kiss her forehead each day when she leaves.  It warms my heart knowing how loved she is during the day when I can't be there.  She's eating like a champ and taking 6 ounces of formula at each feeding.  She has a hysterical bald "stripe" around her head where she rubs the same place over and over while trying to get comfy for bed.  She loves her bouncy seat, the lights on the Christmas tree (or any lights!), her Boppy play gym, her hands (all the time), her paci, warm fleece sleepers, and especially sleeping on her daddy's chest.

This little beauty makes every day wonderful.  We don't get much sleep and we wake up on Saturday the same time we wake up for work but seeing that little smile is ALL I need----along with a cup of coffee or two. ;)

                            Every now and then I get to experience this sweet, amazing baby falling into a deep        sleep on my chest.  Just seeing this picture makes my heart smile.

     
                                               Love at first sight!  Ryan's first Christmas :)

                                                                  3 months is FUN!

Uh-oh....what are you doing, Mom?

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, my absolute FAVORITE spot.

Nothing, I mean NOTHING in this world can make me smile the way I do when I walk into her nursery and see this first thing in the morning.