Once Upon a Time: Finding The Right Words

I worry. A lot. I've always been a worrier and try as I may, I can't help it. Having a child of my own just increases that x1000. I worry when she coughs. I worry she'll roll over in the middle of the night and end up on her stomach. I worry there might be something wrong if she doesn't want to finish a bottle. I worry when I'm driving with her in the car. I worry about nicking her finger (AGAIN--sigh) when I clip her fingers. Somehow, I find something to worry about many times throughout the day. Most of the things I worry about are trivial and/or never happen. But, there is one worry I have that is a legitimate concern. One that keeps me up at night. There will come a day when Josh and I are faced with having to explain Ryan's adoption to her. We will probably have answer very difficult questions all while choking back tears and pushing down the fear that she will wish she knew her biological mother. Or wish she had been raised by her. Or ask if it's okay if she can meet her.

This fear is real and this day will come.

I have often imagined how old she will be when we need to start having conversations with her about adoption or when she will start to notice her skin is a little darker in color than her mommy's or daddy's. I wonder where we will be--at home? At the grocery? Church? On the way to a play date? I daydream about how the conversation will go. In my selfish mind, I picture her not having the slightest interest or desire to meet or get to know her biological mother. I know, however, that might not be the way things go. I also know that no matter how hard it is for me or how much it may hurt my heart, Josh and I need to support any decision she may make about seeking out her biological mother.

This past week, Ryan and I were laying on her nursery floor, chatting and having a great time checking ourselves out in a mirror. I sifted through her amazing stack of books (thanks, teacher friends!) and chose to read the book, "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born." It is a book about adoption and told from the view point of a little girl, who asks her parents to retell the story of the night she was born and they became her mommy and daddy. As I began to read out loud to Ryan, I was completely overcome with emotion. I smiled, I laughed, and I cried my way through this book. Ryan squealed and "talked" as she stared at the pictures on each page. When my voice started to shake and I started crying, she turned her attention to me and I looked at her and told her how much I loved her. The book is so simple and sweet, yet it captures perfectly the chaos of the moment we found we were going to be parents to the moment we got the phone call that the birth mother was in labor. So many incredible memories flooded into my mind and as I looked into her eyes, I knew there was one thing I never, ever need to be worried about. I never need to worry about how much Josh and I love her or if she will ever question whether she is wanted or not.

My sweet love, Ryan---you were wanted since well before you ever came into this world. You were wanted way before I ever received a phone call from the adoption agency telling me I was going to me a mom and jumped for joy in the Panera parking lot. You were wanted way before the night your daddy and I drove entirely too fast and made record time on our trip to Missouri to get you. And you were wanted way before the second I held you for the first time and told you how much I loved you. You see, Ryan, families come in all shapes and sizes. It's not the looks part that matters--it's the love part. That's all that matters. Your daddy and I love you to the moon and back. We love you more than the number of stars there are in the sky. We love you more than the sun shines bright. We love you more than the biggest mountain or the deepest ocean. And every day, we love you more and more.

I don't know if these words will be the right words to say but when that day comes, I hope and pray that they are. I pray God will guide us to say the right things and mostly, to give us the strength to support her no matter what decisions she makes in the future regarding her birth mother. No matter how much it may hurt. :)