My Other Half

I often wonder when or if Ryan will realize how blessed she is to have Josh for her father.  I'm sure she will one day, even if it's well past the trying and traumatic teenage years!  As I've said before, I blog to try to record memories and feelings but also for Ryan's future.  I want her to be able to read this and learn more about who she is and who her family is.  I remember what a complete brat I was in middle school--and probably during high school as well.  I didn't fully appreciate my parents and all they did for me and cringe about it now.  I definitely didn't know or understand how much they loved me.  As much as I'd like to think Ryan will be the exact opposite of myself during her teen years, chances are she will probably go through a bratty, ungrateful, everything-revolves-around-me phase as well.  :)  Should that happen, I wanted to have a way for her to be reminded of one something she should NEVER take for granted and always be thankful for--her father.

This is an open letter to my beautiful baby girl about the one man in her life who will NEVER, EVER let her down.

Dear Ryan, 

To say your daddy is a great guy would be an understatement.  He's a wonderful guy.  He's the best guy.  The very best guy, other my own father, who I've ever known.  He came into my life at a time when I really needed him, and he swept me off my feet.  First, we were friends.  And best friends make the best relationships.  

He is tall, dark, and handsome.  I know, I know--you're gagging right about now.  :)  He's quiet, until you get to know him--and then you realize how funny he is!  He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts almost daily.  He has a heart of gold.  He loves his grandmother and family fiercely and has taken care of his cousins as if they were his own children.  He is fair and good to everyone he meets.  He has a way of looking at the positive side of things.  Your daddy always knows what to say to calm me down and make me see whatever I'm worried or upset about isn't really as big as I think it is.  He is a Christian and brought me close to God again after I'd strayed.  He is a skilled craftsman and can fix or build almost anything.  He is kind, caring, warm, and considerate of others.  I could go on and on about this amazing man.

But nothing prepared me for how I would look at him after he became your father.  Ryan Michelle, I can't put into words how it makes my heart feel when he looks at you.  He loves you more than there are stars.  From the moment you came into this world (and we were there!), you had him wrapped around your tiny little finger.  This big, strong, 6'8 man turned to putty when you came into our lives.  He gives you baths and talks to you about your day.  He reads to you and sings to you.  He lays on the ground and plays on your play mat with you.  He rocks you to sleep on his chest and explains football to you on Sunday afternoons.  He can pick out a killer outfit and finds shoes and a bow to match.  He even asked me to show him how to braid hair (and he practiced on me!) because he wants to know how to fix yours when you get older.  He cuddles in the bed with you on Saturdays to get you to go back to sleep--5:30 is REALLY early on a Saturday!  He posts pictures of you proudly on Instagram because he wants to world to see his beautiful little girl.  He switches middle of the night feedings with me every other night.  He works home improvement jobs on the side because he loves doing it, but also because he wants to provide the best possible life for you.  When he walks into the room and sees you, his whole face lights up.  He is calm and loving and is so very good to you.  He dreams about what you'll be like as you grow.  By the way, I apologize in advance for any scare tactics he may use on future potential suitors.

He was absolutely wonderful before you came along and now he is even better.  You've made him (and me) see the world in a whole new way.  Your daddy would do absolutely anything for you and to protect you.  You are so very blessed to have this wonderful, loving, supportive man in your life.  My wish for you is that one day you, too, will have a husband who loves you and cares for you and your own children the way your father does.  He will always, always be there for you.  That's something to be thankful for, baby girl.  God provided a great father for you and a wonderful husband for me and for that, we are beyond blessed.

Taking your nursery very seriously.

Cuddling on a Saturday--you were SO TINY!

Reading to you from the very beginning--we're both teachers, what did you expect?

Having fun on the play mat---you look at him like he is King of the world :)

Twin Cousin Eddie hats :)

Picked it out and dressed you himself!

The VERY FIRST time he held you in his arms--makes my heart happy

Finding The Right Words

I worry.  A lot.  I've always been a worrier and try as I may, I can't help it.  Having a child of my own just increases that x1000.  I worry when she coughs.  I worry she'll roll over in the middle of the night and end up on her stomach.  I worry there might be something wrong if she doesn't want to finish a bottle.  I worry when I'm driving with her in the car.  I worry about nicking her finger (AGAIN--sigh) when I clip her fingers.  Somehow, I find something to worry about many times throughout the day.  Most of the things I worry about are trivial and/or never happen.  But, there is one worry I have that is a legitimate concern.  One that keeps me up at night. There will come a day when Josh and I are faced with having to explain Ryan's adoption to her.  We will probably have answer very difficult questions all while choking back tears and pushing down the fear that she will wish she knew her biological mother.  Or wish she had been raised by her.  Or ask if it's okay if she can meet her.

This fear is real and this day will come.

I have often imagined how old she will be when we need to start having conversations with her about adoption or when she will start to notice her skin is a little darker in color than her mommy's or daddy's.  I wonder where we will be--at home?  At the grocery?  Church?  On the way to a play date?  I daydream about how the conversation will go.  In my selfish mind, I picture her not having the slightest interest or desire to meet or get to know her biological mother.  I know, however, that might not be the way things go.  I also know that no matter how hard it is for me or how much it may hurt my heart, Josh and I need to support any decision she may make about seeking out her biological mother.

This past week, Ryan and I were laying on her nursery floor, chatting and having a great time checking ourselves out in a mirror.  I sifted through her amazing stack of books (thanks, teacher friends!) and chose to read the book, "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born."  It is a book about adoption and told from the view point of a little girl, who asks her parents to retell the story of the night she was born and they became her mommy and daddy.  As I began to read out loud to Ryan, I was completely overcome with emotion.  I smiled, I laughed, and I cried my way through this book.  Ryan squealed and "talked" as she stared at the pictures on each page.  When my voice started to shake and I started crying, she turned her attention to me and I looked at her and told her how much I loved her.  The book is so simple and sweet, yet it captures perfectly the chaos of the moment we found we were going to be parents to the moment we got the phone call that the birth mother was in labor.  So many incredible memories flooded into my mind and as I looked into her eyes, I knew there was one thing I never, ever need to be worried about.  I never need to worry about how much Josh and I love her or if she will ever question whether she is wanted or not.

My sweet love, Ryan---you were wanted since well before you ever came into this world.  You were wanted way before I ever received a phone call from the adoption agency telling me I was going to me a mom and jumped for joy in the Panera parking lot.  You were wanted way before the night your daddy and I drove entirely too fast and made record time on our trip to Missouri to get you.  And you were wanted way before the second I held you for the first time and told you how much I loved you.  You see, Ryan, families come in all shapes and sizes.  It's not the looks part that matters--it's the love part.  That's all that matters.  Your daddy and I love you to the moon and back.  We love you more than the number of stars there are in the sky.  We love you more than the sun shines bright.  We love you more than the biggest mountain or the deepest ocean.  And every day, we love you more and more.

I don't know if these words will be the right words to say but when that day comes, I hope and pray that they are.  I pray God will guide us to say the right things and mostly, to give us the strength to support her no matter what decisions she makes in the future regarding her birth mother.  No matter how much it may hurt. :)

I would recommend this book to every adoptive family!

Loving her play gym and her daddy :)

Looking like a cute little candy cane--come on Christmas!

Waking up to this face everyday is the best gift God has ever given me.

3 month update

I've been so bad about blogging and I feel awful about it!  I promised myself I would use this as a way to record memories for Ryan.  Going back to work really threw me for a loop, and I've got to be honest--I still get sad every day.  Being a teacher is a wonderful career and I'm glad I chose it, but I would leave it all behind in a heartbeat if I could stay home every day with my love.  I hope in the next few years I can drop back to part-time, but for now, I have to figure out how to fit baby, husband, career, friends, exercise, and LIFE together and somehow make time for everyone and everything.  Every working mama out there knows this is NO easy task :)

So, without further adieu (and a week late), I give to you Ryan Michelle Lynch:  3 months.  She breaks out into grins all the time, especially at the most unexpected times like a 3:00 a.m. feeding or getting her diaper changed. My favorite smile might be when I first go into her room in the morning and she's grunting and crying but when she sees my face, the tears cease and a smile spreads across her face.  She is so alert now, staying awake for several hours in between naps.  She loves the other toddlers she spends her days with and they LOVE her.  Several of them come to tell her bye or kiss her forehead each day when she leaves.  It warms my heart knowing how loved she is during the day when I can't be there.  She's eating like a champ and taking 6 ounces of formula at each feeding.  She has a hysterical bald "stripe" around her head where she rubs the same place over and over while trying to get comfy for bed.  She loves her bouncy seat, the lights on the Christmas tree (or any lights!), her Boppy play gym, her hands (all the time), her paci, warm fleece sleepers, and especially sleeping on her daddy's chest.

This little beauty makes every day wonderful.  We don't get much sleep and we wake up on Saturday the same time we wake up for work but seeing that little smile is ALL I need----along with a cup of coffee or two. ;)

                            Every now and then I get to experience this sweet, amazing baby falling into a deep        sleep on my chest.  Just seeing this picture makes my heart smile.

     
                                               Love at first sight!  Ryan's first Christmas :)

                                                                  3 months is FUN!

Uh-oh....what are you doing, Mom?

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, my absolute FAVORITE spot.

Nothing, I mean NOTHING in this world can make me smile the way I do when I walk into her nursery and see this first thing in the morning.

A New Kind of Birthday

It's something we'd talked about for a long time and knew we wanted to do it, we just weren't sure when or how.  We both grew up Catholic so we were originally Christened as newborns.  I liked the idea of being old enough to make the choice, but I must admit, I felt a bit "forced" into it at first.  I didn't exactly understand why we had to do full immersion Baptism--do the rituals of the Catholic Church not count when it comes to God?  Once I attended the Welcome to the Southland class, I had a better understanding of why we were doing it.

Going to Southland has literally been LIFE-CHANGING for both Josh and me.  I will be the first to say I was extremely skeptical before I entered for the first time, and the word "cult" entered my mind a few times.  I had never felt as much love and sense of belonging as I did when I walked through those doors.  There I was, standing in the middle of this massive church and yet I felt so at home.  At peace.  And I just KNEW it was God who called us there.  Soon, we couldn't stand to miss a Sunday and if we had to, we watched the service online.  It became a no-brainer once we were blessed with Ryan.

So, on Sunday, October 20 in front of about 30 family and friends, Josh and I literally took the plunge into the chilly (the heater was broken!) Baptismal at Southland.  It was so amazing and invigorating.  We walked in that water and said yes to changing our minds, hearts, and lives forever.

God has been so good to me, even after all the wrong turns, bad decisions, times I turned my back on Him, and times I've fallen flat on my face.  He has been there all along, just waiting for me to say I was ready.  This weekend, I took his outstretched hand and I hope I never let it go.

On the Day You Were Born

A large part of me doing this blog is to be an electronic journal of life.  Notebooks and papers can get lost, torn, and ruined but with a blog, I can login literally from anywhere and re-read old posts or write new ones.  On the day Ryan was born, I typed a letter to her on my iPhone as I tried desperately to keep my exhausted eyes open. I wanted Ryan to forever know how I felt on that day, and here's what I said:

8-24-13

Dear Ryan,

Today was the most amazing day of my life.  Your father and I waited anxiously by the phone last night, texting with your biological mom until about 11:30.  Then, we left Lexington and drove fast--must faster than we really should have--so we could get to the hospital in time to see you come into this world.  At 6:10 a.m. on Saturday, August 24, 2013 you entered this world and mine was forever changed.  I saw you take your first breath, heard your first cry, watched you get weighed, measured, and cleaned up.  Then, they wrapped you up like a burrito and a few moments later, you were in my arms.  The feeling I had as I looked into your beautiful face is something I can't describe.  Your perfect little lips moved open and closed as your experimented with your newly found tongue to see how it would work.  You opened your eyes for a second, only to shut them right back to block out the bright lights.  You were so beautiful.  So perfect, so soft and sweet and innocent and I knew I would do anything to protect you from harm.  Thoughts of what you'll look like, how you'll act, whether you'll like school or soccer or what you might want to be when you grow up--all of these things raced through my head when I looked at you.  Watching your dad hold you and stare into your face made my heart melt a hundred times over today.  Ryan, please know how loved you are, how wanted you are, and what an amazing and perfect gift you are to your father and me.  We already love you more than we knew was possible and we've only known you for 15 hours. :)  You have filled a part in our hearts that could never have been filled by anyone or anything else.  I love you to the moon and back.  Ryan Michelle Lynch, our perfect gift from God above.  We were meant for each other.

Love,
Your Mommy

1 Month Down!

Yesterday was Ryan's 1-month birthday and it has definitely been a wonderful, crazy, busy, life-changing, amazing month.  Josh and I learned: 1) how to function on three non-consecutive hours of sleep 2) bounce, sway, and sing our way to sanity and 3) what the meaning of true, unconditional love is.  We've had so many visitors, calls, texts, and support from all of our loved ones and friends and have even heard from several people we'd previously lost touch with.  This past month has been the most wonderful, awe-inspiring month of my life and I am so very happy God chose us to be Ryan's parents.  Every day I thank God for this gift--the gift of parenthood.  We feel so incredibly blessed and happy to be on this road together.  What an amazing journey it's been so far and I can't wait to watch her grow (not TOO fast!) and see who she'll become.

A few pictures from month 1:

                                                               Hello, world!  8-24-13

            Mommy holding me for the first time--she had a HUGE smile on her face!

                                  Daddy's cute grin when Mommy FINALLY handed me over. :)

                                                              It's really real--I'm all theirs!

                                             

BB and Papaw

                                                        Currently my favorite place to chill.

 I'm not crazy about baths yet, but I love when mommy wraps me in my hooded towel afterward.

                     My cousin Caroline and I are 12 days apart and we are going to be a handful!

  BB and Papaw had an awesome party for me when I came home--they said they wanted to "show me off" to their friends. :)

  I have two great-grandmothers!  This is my dad's grandmother, Nanny.

Caroline's big sis Stella loved me from the second she laid eyes on me.

My other great-grandmother and my great aunt Carrie.

Daddy made me dress up for a photo shoot--I pretended I didn't like it at first, but I really did.

Yep, I am totally into this modeling thing.

Mommy loves to hold me really close to her to make me feel safe.  

The Tale of How We Came to Be a Family of Three

I've always known I wanted to be a mother.  It's something that's just always been inside of me.  Of course, I also work with kids every day.  I don't know too many teachers who don't enjoy children and want their own.  Josh and I had talked about a family early on in our relationship and I was so glad we were on the same page.  He's such an amazing guy and I could see his "daddy" qualities when he played with my cousin Stella or anytime he was around children.  I just knew he would be the perfect father.

The day we found out having our own biological children was probably not going to happen was a sad, sad day, and that's all I'm really going to say about it.  We decided to just enjoy our first year of marriage together and push pause on starting a family.  6 months later, we realized how very selfish we'd been and how badly we wanted to be parents.  It took time, but we were finally able to see that biologically having children is just one way to become parents.  That wasn't the way God wanted us to be parents, so we set out on the road less traveled.

We did some research and went with a California-based company we learned about through a friend.  The month of February was a complete whirlwind of home studies, background checks, physicals, copies of pay stubs, etc.  I often got frustrated with all of the hoops we had to jump through to become parents but when we received the call on July 9 learning we'd been chosen by a birth mom, all my frustrations melted into tears of joy.  Right there in the Panera parking lot on a three-way call with my husband and the adoption agency, I heard the lady say, "You're going to be a mommy and a daddy."  I just completely melted.

One and a half months later, Josh and I were speeding through Kentucky on our way to Missouri to get there in time for our baby's arrival.  We drove all night, got there at 4:30 a.m. , and Ryan Michelle Lynch entered the world at 6:10 a.m. on August 24, 2013.  We were there when she took her first breath and it was the most amazing moment of my life and I will never, ever, EVER forget it.  My eyes filled with tears (just like they are as I'm typing this) and my heart filled with unspeakable joy as Josh and I held onto each other and watched the nurse wash her off and take her measurements and vitals.  When she handed her over to me----I can't even describe it.  No words.  Just emotions.  And a lot of them.

And that, my friends, is a very short summary of how we came to be a family of three.  There was sadness, worry, anxiety, loneliness, and many highs and lows along the way.  But the second she arrived, every tear, every sleepless night, and every panicked moment become worth the amount of joy and love she filled our hearts with.  I love this little precious, perfect girl every single bit as much as if I'd carried her for 9 months.  She is our daughter through and through.

I wouldn't change a single thing about this journey.  NOT ONE SINGLE THING.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

                                  --Robert Frost

Long Time, No See

Hey, there--it's Lauren.  Yes, I kind of forgot about you, blog.  Yes, I've left you cold and alone for many, many months.  Life took over.  Ups, downs, the whole bit.  But then, I realized too many amazing things have happened for me to not record them.  This blog is great because as much as I like to share it as a way to keep in touch with those I may not see often, it's mostly for myself.  It's a way for me to look back on different parts of my life--kind of like my journal with pictures.  I have so, so much to tell you about I'm practically bursting at the seams with anticipation and excitement.  I'm like a kid on Christmas morning!  I can't wait.  I will be back soon, but first I have to gather my thoughts and get my bearings.  Here's a big 'ole hint of the goodness to come: